Why would my estranged spouse be so emotionally detached?
Separated wives who are still involved in their marriages will often watch their husband’s behavior hoping for clues of ongoing emotional attachment. After all, they may have issues, but they’ve known each other (and been married) for quite some time. Presumably, you can’t turn off your emotions just because you’re apart. And yet that seems to be exactly what some husbands can do.
Many wives describe their estranged husbands as “detached” from marriage and family. These wives are understandably wondering what this will mean in the future. A wife might say, “Honestly, for most of our married life, my husband was really sensitive and loving. If anything happened to me or our children, he would always be there, trying to help and showing concern. In the last two years, our marriage changed. I would have stuck there, but my husband wanted a separation. The idea was that hopefully this pause would allow us to finally regroup and get back together. I was wrong about that because the only way I can describe his behavior is to say that he is emotionally detached. When you talk to him, his voice is flat and his face shows no emotion. If I get angry, he doesn’t even try to comfort me or make any gestures towards me. Recently, my children and I were in a minor collision. We weren’t hurt, although our car was. My husband asked if we were okay, but he didn’t seem in the least affected and seemed more concerned about the damage than all of us. Why would a man who is normally sensitive and emotional be so detached? He just doesn’t get it and he’s scaring me.”
Any assumption as to why your husband is acting this way would only be speculation, but sometimes separated men try to push away their emotions because they don’t want to feel nostalgia, guilt, or remorse as they try to decide what they want. Below I will list some of the reasons I have seen when separated men act this way. Again, I’m just speculating. Your husband would be the best judge of your own behavior (assuming he is going to share his feelings with you).
He is trying to numb his feelings for what has become numb: People often assume that the person who initiated the separation ends up happily living and living apart, when in fact, this is not the case. Every time she changes her life and is no longer with her loved ones, it can be painful and feel very strange. To mitigate that, people may try to bottle up their feelings, giving off this cold and uncaring personality. Ironically, they act this way because they worry too much or are afraid of their own feelings, but their spouse often thinks they don’t feel anything at all.
He doesn’t want you to know how he feels: Another reason estranged spouses may seem distant is that he doesn’t want to let you know how he feels. Many times, understandably, the wife regularly asks the husband how he feels and what he wants. The truth is that most of the time, she just doesn’t know the answers to these questions. So he’s trying to be as serious as possible to discourage further questions. Men often just want to take the time to figure this all out and don’t want to be rushed. They know that you are observing their behaviors and conduct to try to figure out what is going on. And they’re trying to stop you from doing it (because they’re well aware that their feelings are fluctuating and confusing right now). They don’t necessarily want to share feelings that might change. The detached person is just a defense mechanism.
Legitimately continuing to have a rough time: Sometimes the cold and indifferent person you see is a continuation of the man who was struggling emotionally or was so dissatisfied that he wanted to break up. Unfortunately, his unhappiness isn’t always resolved immediately once you’re apart. Sometimes it just takes some time. So the behavior you see now could simply be a continuation of the behavior you saw before the separation.
This does not necessarily mean that things will never get better. Things change. Feelings change. Perceptions change and situations change. My husband was indifferent and cold for quite some time. I think I actually made things worse by always demanding answers my husband wasn’t ready to give. Because of this, he felt that he had to be reserved and cold.
