Hiking Our Son
We ratted on our son before he ratted on himself. When I was in high school, my husband and I had strong indications that he was gay, but it took our son a while to come to that conclusion and longer for him to feel strong enough to share it with others outside of our family. immediate.
It was a scary time for all of us. We had moved to Wisconsin from Virginia at the end of his fourth grade year, and he had a hard time adjusting to the neighborhood elementary school. At the beginning of high school he felt so left out and bothered that we almost took him out of school altogether. But he lasted a few more weeks, he made some friends and he felt better.
During seventh grade, his dad and I asked him if he was gay and we told him that it was absolutely fine to be gay. At the time, she thought that he was bisexual. It can take him a while to figure out our sexuality, especially if we’re not part of the mainstream. During this time he also became beautiful: tall, muscular, handsome, and many girls liked him and paid attention to him. I always thought he was bisexual during that time so as not to lose all the attention he was getting from girls! For some young people, being bisexual can be a way to transition to being gay.
Concern for him and wanting him to be happy are the two things that caused me the most anguish during those teenage years. They called him names almost daily, but he seemed to take it in stride. Me and his father didn’t. Once, at the local movie theater, some teenage boys insulted our son (faggot was always a choice word), and my husband confronted them about it. Our son didn’t seem to mind, but we did! Those teens ended up getting kicked out of the theater that day. Maybe those kids will now regret the bullying they inflicted on my son. I hope so.
I worried about what the name calling and bullying was doing to their psyche and self-esteem. I was worried that older men would take advantage of him. He worried me that he would find acceptance and community somewhere. I worried a lot.
Now I can say that it seems that we are on the other side of worry and pain. My son is a well-adjusted 22-year-old, making his way in life, with friends, a partner, and lots of support from the community and family. Now the community is New York City, but that’s okay! I’m glad he found a place where he can be who he is without being seen as a deviant, be with others who are gay, and be accepted.
We do not choose our sexuality. I’m a firm believer in the biological origins of our sexuality, and I’ve seen it firsthand. I had thoughts of my son being gay from a very young age. Does that mean I raised him “differently” and that’s what made him gay? I do not think. His younger brother is a sporty and straight boy, he likes cars, motorcycles and construction, both raised in the same house with the same parents.
Why are we so afraid of homosexuality? I know things have gotten a lot better in the last 20 or 30 years and I’m grateful for the pioneers who took the risk and insisted on change. But we also have further to go.
My son is likely to get married one day, whether it is “legally” accepted or not. I will probably have grandchildren from him, biological or not. Our family circle will grow bigger and stronger.
And I worry less.
