Why a child sometimes rejects a parent after divorce
Alienation from parents is a condition often associated with divorce, causing a child to reject a parent they once loved. What distinguishes this syndrome from routine parental conflict? How to prevent it, stop it?
How to distinguish a “parental alienation syndrome” from a trivial conflict with one of the parents?
According to Professor Richard Gardner, an American child psychiatrist, author of numerous reference publications on the subject, parental alienation syndrome is a child’s denigration campaign against a parent.
The diagnostic criteria described are:
1 – declared desire not to see the father rejected;
2 – development of absurd and sometimes futile strategies to disqualify the rejected parent;
3 – binary and Manichaean vision: one parent is all right, the other completely wrong and they found no good memories related to the rejected parent;
4 – phenomenon of the ‘self’ thinker (I am the one who thinks this, nobody influenced me);
5 – the son presents himself as support of the alienating father,
6 – the animosity is not limited to the rejected parent, but extends to the entire universe, for example to the entire family, including grandparents, cousins, etc.;
7 – disturbing lack of guilt in connection with the harshness of attitude towards the alienated parent. The child becomes more distant: it seems that war has been declared on the rejected parent;
What factors can make us fear a change towards a “parental alienation syndrome”?
The seriousness is attested by the fact that visits (from the rejected parent) are made impossible by the child’s behavior (fear, provocation, emotional or physical abuse, aggressiveness, sometimes self-aggressiveness…). Solidarity is common among siblings: coupled with hostility, the children appear to be one, and interpersonal differences fade or disappear. This assessment of the severity of the syndrome is fundamental: it largely determines the nature of the psycholegal measures to be adopted and is a first-order prognostic factor. This is thankfully a relatively rare scenario.
Before this stage, some apparently minor elements should attract attention because the discharge may appear spontaneous: the child shows less liking to the parent they visit, has problems, asks not to go, finds all kinds of excuses, such as tiredness travel or an extracurricular activity that particular weekend. The phone call between visits becomes harsh: the child refuses to speak on the phone, says he has a job, is at the table, has to lie down… Little by little he becomes a true foreign father, rejected, impotent, who see the distance increase…
Does not the appearance of spontaneous rejection lead to evading the crucial questions that rejection is not pathological? What is the ‘favorite’ parent’s attitude and how do they use the child’s attitude in the conflict? Have they tried to overcome the rejection or not?
What are the solutions or tips for parents facing this problem? Can we prevent or stop it?
Dr. Paul Bensussan: Except for those cases that are considered “light,” where spontaneous resolution is possible, none of these deteriorating situations can be resolved without the assistance of appropriate legal and psychological measures. Children who have ‘chosen their side’, the rupture of the link with one of their parents can be firm, if not determined, when the psycho-legal action is limited to proposing measures such as psychotherapy, which require investment and will from both parents.
However, we can give separation advice, anxious to preserve the “best interests of the child”.
Tips for separation from parents
Here is a list of tips and/or mistakes that you should not make:
– Never forget that this child is the child of both.
– Never ask if they love you more than anyone else.
– Help them maintain contact with the other parent.
– Talk about yourselves as adults and do not use the child as a messenger.
– Do not be sad when the child goes with the other parent.
– Do not schedule anything during the time that corresponds to another.
– Do not be surprised or angry when the child is with the other parent.
– Do not pass the child from one to another as if it were an object.
– Don’t argue in front of them.
– Do not say things that the child cannot yet understand.
– That they bring their friends in both houses.
– Reach an agreement on spending and money.
– Do not make a thousand plans with the child, just let him be happy.
– Do not make too many changes from the time before the separation.
– Be nice to other grandparents.
– Accept the new partner that one of you met.
But we must recognize that when the procedure swells and oozes hate, it is sometimes unrealistic to expect parents to give up their disputes and try to resolve them through their children. Then there is the wish of the child, a child who shows up to explain or perpetuate a situation that is intolerable and yet harmful in the long run.
In such situations, there is a high probability that free access will lead to a consummated break in the strictest legality, in the name of the apparent will of the children. When parents have demonstrated their incapacity to maintain their children’s relationship with each parent, the family court is the best and probably the last guarantor of children’s fundamental rights. The psychiatrist and the judge must always work together in this area: the only appropriate response is psycho-legal and psychotherapy, without which the firmness of a judicial decision quickly knows its limits.
