Useful books for raising ourselves and our children
To understand parenting, we must start with our parents. The way we were raised is an excellent predictor of our own upbringing, as we are likely to imitate our parents or the exact opposite. (If we had very controlling parents, we might as well become libertarian in our own approach, leaning back to avoid what we didn’t like as children.)
In my initial interview with new clients, I always ask how they were brought up: “Would you describe your parents as (1) warm and steadfast; (2) unavailable and rejecting; or (3) attentive but out of sync with your childhood?” Was independence applauded and encouraged within your family? Growing up, was your family physically affectionate?”
As young children, we intuitively expect to receive certain messages from our parents: “you are valued, you are accepted, you are loved, you are understood, you are respected.” Children who grow up with these messages have a strong sense of self-esteem, confident in their ability to explore and succeed in the world.
Clients who consult me many times do not receive these messages. I tell them that it is never too late to have a happy childhood, and the way to do that is by giving yourself the messages that you may not have received from your parents. One way to overcome these shortcomings is to do the exercises in Patrick Fanning’s book Self-Esteem. Another is to listen to the child in you writing in a journal.
At this point, I often share what I call the story of the turtle, adapted from Faber and Mazlish, Talking So Kids Will Listen, and Listening So Kids Will Talk. In the first version of the story, a girl comes crying to her father’s study. “My turtle died”, she wails to herself. “That’s no problem,” replies the father. “We’ll get you a new one.” She continues to moan. In a second version of the story, the man sits her daughter on her lap and says, “You really loved that turtle.” “Yes,” she says through her tears. “He was my friend.” “You sound sad,” the father suggests. “I am,” she says. “I miss my turtle.” “Tell me about it,” the father says, and then listens as the girl shares her feelings. Finally, instead of trying to fix the problem, the parent says, “What are we going to do about it?” In my version of the story, the girl asks, “Can we bury him in the backyard?” “Of course we can,” says the father.
Now the crucial element of this story is listening. The father does not criticize, analyze, explain or fix the problem: he just listens. How are you supposed to provide yourself with this positive nurturing? Get a journal, find a time when you can be alone, relax deeply, and invite your inner child to share feelings that were never heard in the past. Sometimes it helps to play the “crazy-sad-happy-scared” game with yourself: if you were angry about something right now, what would it be? Then “write the spiel” without letting your adult self step in to criticize, analyze, explain, or fix. Afterward, you comfort yourself by saying “There, there,” or its equivalent, and then you look at what you’ve written from the perspective of a loving parent and ask yourself, “What are we going to do about it?”
When we are dedicated to raising our own children, it is useful to think about our goals. Do we want our children to be “happy, balanced, independent, satisfied, productive, self-sufficient, responsible, functional, kind, considerate, loving, inquisitive, and confident,” the long-term goals mentioned in Alfie Kohn’s book, Unconditional? Paternity? Listening turns out to be a crucial element in fostering these traits. “Studies conducted in many cultures suggest that a common element in healthy attachments is the ability of parent and child to have a reciprocal give and take of signals. This is called contingent communication and means that the signals sent by the child are directly perceived, understood, and responded to by parents in a dance of communication that involves mutual collaboration.” (Siegel & Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out, p.80)
I think another key aspect of successful parenting is modeling. The children find themselves on stage in Act II of a play for which they have not been given a script. They achieve their immediate goal of survival by observing the world around them and drawing certain conclusions about who they are, who others are, what the world is like, and what they must do to live in it. Parents, like it or not, provide a model for coping with life. In general, children want to please their parents. If that doesn’t happen, the first place to look for the source of your behavior is the mirror. How can I be feeding this behavior? For example, does the conflict between my children mirror the conflicts between me and my partner? (I think the lessons in Meg Meeker’s book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters apply equally well to mothers and sons.)
In addition to the books I’ve already mentioned, I’ve found Barbara Coloroso’s Kids Are Worth Watching to be a helpful guide to parenting, offering the “spine family” as a happy medium between the “family of the brick wall” (too rigid and controlled) and the “family of jellyfish” (few limits and borders).
But the question of goals precedes everything else. Parents whose primary goal is to get children to obey may be drawn to recently published book titles: Don’t Be Afraid to Discipline; Parents in Charge; Parent in Control; Taking charge; Back in control; Discipline your preschooler and feel good about it; Because I am the mommy, that’s why’; Establishing the Law; guilt-free parenting; “The answer is no”; and so. Parents interested in instilling traits of integrity, empathy, self-discipline, self-confidence, curiosity, and confidence will likely find that listening and modeling will go a long way toward fostering those traits.
