The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce – Judith Wallerstein
This wonderfully researched book examines the lives of the children of divorcees over a span of twenty-five years. It shows that the challenges for divorced families, especially children, are complex and continue to transform society. It is stated that Four. Five% first marriages break up, that the risk of divorce in second marriages is 60%cast 25% of people today between ages 18-44 years have divorced parents.
The difficulty in writing this article is that one can only make a few comments on a book and a subject, the full consideration of which would take us a long way. The first paragraph of the introductory chapter recounts a Sesame Street episode in which kermit the frog interviews a little bird who asks where he lived. The bird’s response is that he spends half the time playing happily in his mother’s nest and the rest of the time frolicking in his father’s nest.
This little story illustrates one of the many assumptions that this book comprehensively dispels. Many parents and legislators assume that as soon as the marriage is dissolved and the parents are freed from an unhappy union, their children’s lives will be exactly as before. This book destroys this notion and clearly shows the lasting effects of divorce on children, and how it shapes and even ruins their lives later on.
The book represents the voices of these children. Now they have grown up and some have families of their own. They chronicle their struggles dealing with loneliness, anger, depression, drug abuse, and even violence in their own lives that followed the breakup of their families. They talk about the unpleasantness of hopping from nest to nest, often having little choice in how to spend their time and feeling inferior to children from intact families. Now they are forcing society to pay more attention to their interests.
The book is written in five parts, like five stories, with each section demonstrating the unique challenges these children face. part One it’s about Karen James, a girl forced by divorce to be a caregiver from an early age and continued to put the needs of others above herself throughout her growing years. Her life is compared to Garyson of parents who decided to stay together despite their difficult marriage.
Karen’s father was a successful dermatologist and her mother worked in a flower shop. She regularly yelled at her husband for not paying enough attention to her family. She also barked complaints at him. The situation worsened when Mrs. James lost her mother in an accident. Her husband became the main target of her anger, as Mrs. James quickly sank into depression. Eventually and inevitably, her marriage ended in divorce, as they continued their savage feud with her children watching.
With her father meeting and marrying someone else, Karen’s mother went from one relationship to another. Karen, at a very young age, became a surrogate mother for her siblings, and even her mother. Her own childhood had ended early. She continued this habit of raising others in her personal relationships: always feeling responsible for the problems of others.
His story juxtaposes that of gary, who grew up in a home where parents were unhappy with each other, but got over it despite their hardships. Gary grew up, married and had a family of his own. His parents had modeled for him how to keep the family together, despite his mutual unhappiness.
The second part deals with larry, a boy raised in a family plagued by domestic violence, and the rage that haunted his life after the breakdown of his parents’ divorce. he is compared to carola young man who, like him, witnessed scenes of parental violence without them separating.
The third part deals with Paula, who suffered intense loneliness after the divorce when her mother started studying and continued working at the same time. The divorce brought with it an economic nightmare for her parents and her mother to make ends meet she had to study and work at the same time. This not only caused the loss of structure in Paula’s life, but also the constant presence of one of her parents. She was fatherless and motherless.
The fourth part is about Billy, a vulnerable boy with special medical needs because he was born with congenital heart disease. Billy’s health made it difficult for him to adjust to his new family environment. His mother quickly remarried and focused on her new family. His father was worried about his sport and his business. Neither of them seemed sensitive to the time and attention Billy required.
The fifth part is about Lisa, who grew up in a family where everything was done to ensure harmony. After the divorce, her parents were determined not to add to her son’s suffering and often cooperated with each other. Lisa’s case begs the question: Isn’t fighting enough? Does the absence of conflict between divorced parents protect the child from suffering? However, even this did not stop Lisa’s anger, although she seemed to have adjusted better than others after her parents’ divorce.
Although her father was apparently happily remarried, there was a greater distance between Lisa and her parents than when her family was intact. She had to adjust to both families, as she continued to jump from one parent to another. As she grew from a girl to a woman in her thirties, she still harbored fears about marriage.
His life mirrored that of many children of divorcees (40% of them) who choose to remain single as adults. Some of them, like Lisa, lived as a couple, others jumped from one adventure to another, and some led very lonely lives. Lisa’s story illustrates that while children immediately feel the impact of divorce, it is in adulthood that they suffer the most: especially when they venture out in search of love.
The book is an eloquent account of the consequences of divorce and seeks to make us understand the long-term impact on children. The authors warn us that although we have created a world where there is greater freedom for adults, this comes with considerable and hidden costs. The authors wisely point out that their book is not a pronouncement against divorce. They are aware of the acute suffering of adults trapped in failed marriages. They are also equally aware that very few adults make the decision to divorce without due consideration.
But they just want to point out that while divorce can be beneficial for parents, the consequences for children are often mentioned. This book also seeks to help people affected by divorce rebuild their lives. This book is also for policymakers – judges and a whole host of other stakeholders in the legal system – it urges them to pay more attention to the interests of children during and after divorce.
The authors wisely conclude that while the post-divorce culture needs to be improved, much more effort needs to be put into strengthening the institution of marriage.
