Provoked to react? How to deal with negative teasing in yourself and others
“Provocative” can mean many different things to different people. What I am going to refer to in this article is those people who use negative provocation as a neurotic defense against their own feelings of rejection and alienation. Let me start by saying that my parents were somewhat provocative. They might say things that would cause a reaction in me. He loved them deeply. But there were times when they would say things that would literally push me away and cause a negative reaction. Fortunately, in my family, teasing was not a pervasive pattern that led to extreme disorder.
As a result, over the years I found myself in a couple of provocative relationships. They didn’t work. I remember sitting at a table with my future mother-in-law and she deliberately picked a fight with me. I handled it beautifully with a giggly smile and a confrontational comment.
Currently, when I am in the presence of a provocative person, my initial reaction gives way to my true need and purpose in life: to give universal love.
As a psychotherapist with over 40 years of experience, I have seen many people and relationships bogged down by provocative statements that were pervasive and led to nowhere except alienation and emotional divorce. In the midst of such a situation, you may wonder the following: Are you trying to provoke me? If so, why? I caused this? It is a dilemma, because many times the provocation comes out of nowhere and leaves you wondering how it started.
However, a provocative person (provocateur) does not aim to provoke your anger. But, that is generally what happens. Some provocateurs are on the hunt for power and influence, and their need to provoke is a drive to achieve it. However, as with most teasing, rejection is often the result and the opposite of your intent.
There is an axiom that you win some battles and lose others. Understand that you are in a battle, especially with a provocateur. There is nothing wrong with seeking power and influence. But when you use the strategy of negative provocation, you get the wrong result. Negative provocation breeds rejection, failure, powerlessness and helplessness. Oh, one may have an early, quick, transient feeling of influence and power, but in the long run, it will invite rejection and distance.
One of the questions I mentioned earlier was, “Did I cause this?” This is an excellent question that will help you spot any learned provocative tendencies. I suggest the following strategy: Look deep within yourself and examine your family history for significant others who use or have used negative teasing as an ineffective strategy. Become aware of how you felt about it. I’m sure you didn’t like it. As a result, you may have internalized some of your provocative behavior and perhaps even use it yourself, without knowing it. Now is an excellent time to examine and self-monitor your role in this type of negative exchange.
Try the following statement and repeat it over and over again until it settles: “I refuse to be provoked. I am calm and clear and wish to express universal love”. Repetition is the key.
Another strategy is to make a list of those situations in your life that smack of negative provocation. Examine how you felt and how you handled each of those situations. Take inventory of the strategies you used. How did they work? What strategies would you like to use in the future when faced with a provocative person? Sometimes you can just get up and walk away. But be careful what emotions you take with you when coming out of a bully’s face.
If you see yourself as a bully, examine how your bullying has affected your relationships with other people. Take full responsibility for yourself and see if you can remove any type of guilt that might be keeping you locked into negative provocation. Examine how you want to deal with your own provocative behavior. If you want to get him out of your life, put him in project status.
Again, don’t blame others for your provocative behavior. Remember, it is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Keep hope alive! Put love on your top agenda and love will fill your life instead of rejection and alienation. Negative provocation is a love killer and can cause deep primal pain to others. (See Feeling People by Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.)
