I am thinking of separating from my spouse to teach him a lesson about taking me for granted
Sometimes I hear from people who want to seek a separation, but only temporarily. These people really have no intention of ending their marriage or even doing much soul-searching during the separation. They just want to scare their spouse and teach them a lesson.
So you might hear a comment like, “My husband has taken me for granted for the last five years. I tried to talk to him about this, but he wasn’t interested in what I had to say. He told me that I was overreacting and that my expectations were unrealistic. So, I tried to tell myself that if I changed my expectations, then I would be happier. It didn’t work, but I kept quiet. Until I saw a text my husband had sent to his brother. His family wanted me to go to a reunion and my husband said he wasn’t going because I was high maintenance I was so furious about this that I decided to leave the kids with my husband and spend a weekend alone I wanted my husband to see how much work I do and how the house couldn’t function without me. Needless to say, as soon as I got home, my husband was as sweet as he could be because I wanted to resume my duties. Actually, for about two months after this incident, my e sposo was sweeter and more affectionate. He even helped ut a lot because he saw how much work I really do. But this only lasted a short time. Now, he’s back to his old ways, taking me for granted again and treating me like I’m not important. So I decided that I needed to teach him a longer lesson this time. I’m going to tell him that I want a separation. I figure if he’s without me for much longer than a weekend, he might straighten up and see how valuable I really am. Will this work?”
It’s hard for me to predict if it will work. But I have to tell you that it is my opinion that there are flaws and risks in this plan. I’ll tell you why in the next article and offer what I think might be a better plan.
Why this strategy is risky: This wife was assuming that the husband was going to act as expected. She assumed he would act like she did after their weekend alone, only he would be more affectionate for a longer period of time. I suppose this is a reasonable assumption, but there are never any guarantees. In fact, the husband may be angry, upset, or frustrated. Instead of responding as the wife expected by reaching out to her, he might actually distance himself from her due to the resentment he felt at being manipulated. Very few people (especially men) like the feeling that they are being manipulated like children.
But what is worse, not all separations end when the spouses return to live together. Some separations end in divorce. Is this really a risk you are willing to take? I understand that you need your spouse to change her behavior, but what if there was a way to do it without the need for all this risk? Because if something went terribly wrong, you wouldn’t have an ungrateful spouse, you’d have no spouse at all.
Make it display more of the behaviors you really want: First of all, it really helps to accept that it’s likely to be a gradual process. Marital behaviors and habits are like any other. To break, you have to repeat the desired behaviors for more than 30 days until they become a new habit. That means a weekend won’t do it. And it also means that her husband is not likely to repeat the desired behaviors for as long unless he gets a positive response. Therefore, she must make the process not too painful for either of them and one that he can easily obtain and then maintain.
That’s why it helps build up to this. Start small. Think of one easy thing that he could easily do to make you happy. Maybe it’s noticing that you made his favorite dinner. If he doesn’t mention it, ask him if he noticed. When he recognizes it, tell him how happy you are that he notices, and then give him a physical confirmation in the form of a hug or other positive reinforcement. I know this may seem backwards. After all, you wanted more from him and now you’re giving him more. But stay with me for a second. By giving him positive reinforcement instead of complaining, do you know what’s going to happen? Next time, he may not need any prompting. He can give you the desired behavior on his account. And when this happens, tell him one more time how happy he makes you when he notices and shows you appreciation. He brags about this to the others in front of him. Give him positive reinforcement. The idea is that you only need to do this enough times until it becomes a habit.
Is this easy? No, not always. But it still gives you the same result. And it’s probably more durable than handling it. (He has already shown that he will return to his same behaviors without positive reinforcement.) And if he breaks up, he may not give you the desired behaviors and just shut down.
