Top 10 list for staying sane as a professional, teacher, partner, and parent
When I got out of graduate school and did my postdoc, I practically knew what I had to do to be a successful researcher: grants, grants, grants, jobs, a good lab, and functional students and staff. I was also (am) married to a great guy and I knew I wanted a family and a good quality of life. The problem was, I had no idea how to do both at the same time and I had no good role models (I was trained in an academic department where one of the junior professors passed out on his desk and had to be rushed to the emergency room with a perforated ulcer). Although this list is by no means complete, the following 10 items have become non-negotiable parts of my life and are the cornerstone of my ability to keep all balls in the air.
1. Identify and stick to your priorities: Take the time to make a list of the tasks you need to do. With each item on your “must do” list, include a clear deadline or time commitment. Some things may not have a deadline, but they will remain priorities, such as “exercising 30 minutes every day” or “sitting at the table for dinner with my spouse and family at least 4 nights a week.” Other things, like “enrolling Jack in the Summer Care program” or “submitting a new manuscript” must have firm deadlines.
2. Be organized: use the list you generated in n. 1 to organize your life and your calendar. Email, phone and PDA systems can be of great help in this endeavor and traveling with you. Coordinate your calendar with your partner or spouse to make sure all household chores are covered. Discuss and develop a system for dividing domestic musts. For example, my husband and I have 2 children and we both work full time. We have divided the weekly chores in such a way that he does and folds all the clothes and I do all the shopping and cooking. Although both are important tasks, we both feel that we are contributing to the family and all these tasks are getting done.
3. Keep communication open: As difficult as it may be at times, it is essential to keep communication channels open both at work and at home. For work, this may mean talking to a department head, a mentor, or even a trusted colleague to say, “Hey, I’m really working to do a good job here and at home, but it’s a challenge, so it would be Very helpful if you could let me know if you think I’m having trouble getting things done here or contributing to the Department. ” Do the same with your spouse or partner, in fact in my experience this is even more important as in a relationship initially minor things can fester and turn into big problems if not addressed early. The motto to keep in mind here is Communicate early, communicate often.
Remember also that communication is a learned skill. Practice it until it becomes second nature.
4. Expect the Unexpected: I know this is a cliche, but another cliche, “The best mouse and man plans sometimes split up” is really true and makes flexibility necessary. meeting at work or a grant deadline, you’ll wake up to a flooded basement or a vomiting child and someone has to bring one for the team. Agree in advance that you will trade these days of sacrifice, although it will never be convenient for either of you. Keep track of these days and remember to respect the careers of others. Of course, if it’s “your day” and your partner has a job interview for a great new position and you’re not under the gun, be flexible and thoughtful and open to changing things up a bit; In other words, use common words. Meaning and be kind.
5. Save time by spending a little more money. In the long run, you only have two things to spend: time and money. If you want to save on one, you will have to spend the other. So seriously think about investing in services that take care of some of the household chores, like house cleaning. Even having your home professionally cleaned once a month goes a long way and saves you a lot of time. Many cities also have grocery delivery services that allow you to order food online and have it delivered to your home for a small fee (~ $ 10).
6. Pick your battles – Decide which things are non-negotiable for you and which are really not that important at home and at work. For example, there are so many things that I used to get nervous about that I don’t sweat anymore.
7. Learn to do two things at once: Help your child with his homework while you wait for the wash to finish. Talk to a friend on the phone while you cook dinner. Plan your errands so that everything in a neighborhood is done on the same trip. Catch up on your email while you wait for school to finish.
8. Learn to Say No: This applies to work and school. Clearly, there are some things you can’t say “no” to, like when your boss asks you to do an important task or your baby needs to go to the doctor, but there are a lot of things you can say no to. One of the great things that we have negotiated with our children is the amount of non-school activities they do. Although there are almost endless options and interests for children in this field, our children can choose 2 non-school activities (including weekend activities) each semester or school year. This reduces the chaos of over-scheduling them and us, and ensures that children have enough time for school work and just “hang out.”
9. Ask for help: When there is a lot to do, ask for help at home or at work. This is totally against the concept of “super parents” that many of us have for ourselves, but we all know, deep down, that we cannot do everything right all the time. One life-saving arrangement for our family is to exchange care with another family on the teacher’s days of service at the school. This cuts in half the number of days my husband and I have to cover when the children are not in school, but still allows us to take advantage of some of those days to spend time with our children and their friends.
10. Be kind to yourself and others: Remember the golden rule “Treat others as you would like them to treat you?” As cliche as it may sound, I repeat this to myself frequently when I’m feeling stressed, grumpy, or ready to make a sarcastic comment. This is doubled for your spouse or partner; you two are on the same team, and teams never win when there is infighting and dissension between the ranks. Make sure you take care of your relationship by spending time together without children, and without each other sometimes everyone needs some “me” time, and none other than working parents!
